Control

I like being in control. In fact, I've been told I handle myself extremely well while multi-tasking under intense pressure. I like to have a say in everything I am exposed to. I like making things better. But mostly, I like doing what I like doing.

Lately, I've been pretty down. First, I keep kicking myself for being so close to my dream of being a military pilot, but quitting. I totally know I should have, but I was so close! It's the principle! Second, being out of a job for an extended period of time blows. Hard. I like to keep busy. Third, I've feel like I've been spiritually alone for at least a year and a half. It's mostly my own fault, though, as I haven't really opened much up to many (...any) people.

I guess that's the thing though: it's very hard for me to truly open up to someone. I've gotten really good at saying things that seem like I'm opening up, but they're mostly surface issues for me. I tend to hold on to the root issues, even when I know what they are. I like having control over my emotions, over my feelings, over what people know about me, over myself.

And then there's that pesky God fellow. Always trying to have control over me. I can't make him go away. He's everywhere, always knocking at the door. No matter what I do or think or say, I always am reminded that he wants me. "So, OK, sure, God, you can have me." My problem is that he won't tell me what he wants me for. Or if he has, it isn't what I want, so I haven't heard it yet. "Come on, God! We're on Earth! This is my life! We're playing by my rules!" That never works. (At least not yet. I'm going to keep trying until it does.)

I am very thankful for the CollegeLife staff and my fellow interns in this regard. I have only been here about 2 months now, and I am already being challenged to submit myself to a local community of peers and neighbors and the greater community that is the church. I know this is exactly what I need, but it's not what I want. I can't be in control if I submit to someone else! Who's crazy idea is this? Oh, right. It came from Jesus. Psssh! (Details.)

So, the coming weeks and months will be interesting. I expect I'll be humbled and proven wrong in big ways. I'm not looking forward to it. (But I am.) Not one bit. (Yes I am. Several bits, in fact.) Wish me luck and pray for me. I need it. (And control. I need that, too.)