OK, I was lying in bed not sleeping, and I decided I should to talk to you about what was on my mind. I haven't been very personal in the past like this, but that's something I'm working on. So here it goes....
Girls.
Girls keep me up at night. Most guys would say the same thing. But I'm not talking about those girls. I'm talking about actual girls. Girls I know. You see, I've dated only a couple of girls, and it didn't work out. There was one I really liked, and it was going really well. Then she ended it. I still think about her and what could have been. (which is very unproductive. but if it's productive, shouldn't the opposite be antiductive?) There are a couple of girls I know whom I've wanted to date, but couldn't because they were (or are still) dating another guy. You might say, "But Ben, who cares? Just go for it anyway! Make her choose, and leave it up to fate!" But I have a problem with that. If another guy tried to steal my girlfriend like that, I'd probably want to run him over with my car. Twice. It's just not right; I can't do it. (that's what I get for growing up in the South)
I do know quite a lot of girls. In fact, some of my very best friends are girls. Most of the girls I know I don't want to date - not because they're hideous or witches or anything; I'm just not attracted to them in that way, you know? But what about the ones I do want to date? What do I do? I'm about to leave for many months of training in the military, so should I tell them and see what happens? Or should I just try to forget about it? I mean, after all, I will be gone for a long time. Why bother? Or is it that I've just been around them so much I think I want to date them, but after a while apart I'll realize I really don't? What if they move away? What if I never come back? Will I ever see them again? This is what keeps me up at night.
I've spent the last 2 years trying to answer these questions. And here I am, problems unsolved. I've decided I have too much respect for relationships to try to nudge out another guy. It's just not my style. At least I know the type of girl I like. I've noticed patterns in personality, character, ideals, etc. of girls I'm attracted to. That's good to know I guess. I've always had excuses for not asking girls out like "I'm too poor right now" or "we work together, so I'll wait until one of us leaves" or "I don't have a car. That would be awkward." All of these may seem like valid points, but I think maybe I was just unsure of myself. Though, it doesn't help to know that now - I can't change the past. So I guess I can only apply that knowledge to the future.
Also, I think when I was younger I convinced myself that someone would just drop down into my life and I would know what to do and we would live happily ever after. And I think I've continued to believe that all the way through last year. I guess I sort of forgot about the part where I live my life, not someone else. Crap.
I think the fact that I haven't dated much plays a big part in how I approach relationships. I'm not entirely sure how to walk down that road. My dad always tried to get me to date lots of people through high school and college just to get an idea of how to date and who I liked, but I never saw the point. Why would I date someone just to date them? Shouldn't you date people you actually like? I sort of wish I had now, just to see how to play the game better. But again, I can't change the past. Deep down I want to be married. I don't want to have to go through the whole process of dating and being engaged and everything. I just want to be married and have some kids. There, I said it. I've always said you shouldn't date someone you wouldn't want to marry. But how do you know you don't want to marry them if you don't date them?
You become friends with them and hang out and watch them date other guys because you didn't ask them out and then torment over what to do and wonder if you'll ever get married and think about who you'd want to date and figure out how to meet that person and then become friends with them and hang out.... It's a vicious cycle in my head. And it keeps me up at night.
3 comments:
if i didn't have the insane ability to fall asleep within about a minute and a half, i'm afraid i would have this very problem. i try not to think about it and hope for that magic thing you mentioned about the right person just falling into your lap and living happily ever after.
:) but it'll work out, however you approach it...even if it's awkward along the way.
Not to give a nice, pat, cliche sort of answer but I am going to anyways cause it is the best way. Not necessarily the quickest, but still the best.
Pray, study the Bible (maybe even specifically in regards to marriage/romance/relationships), grow/mature in your relationship with God, and wait.
I'm still in the midst of all those things (especially the wait part). But I've come to realize that rushing or trying to make something happen because I want a girlfriend or think I need one now, generally only ends in failure and/or pain. If you are pursuing God and seeking Him, then at the right time and in the right way, the right girl will come along and you'll know it. We've got to put God first and the sole focus of our lives. Everything else will fall into place appropriately.
Like I say, it is the pat, Christian sort of response, but I believe quite firmly it is also the proper way to go about things.
Anyways, that's my $2 condensed into 2 cents. (Seriously, we could have a super long conversation about all this) But, I hope you get some sleep soon!
Take it from someone who never dated until they were a junior in college and is presently awake at 2:30 in the morning. NORMAL. :)
I think you've got some valid points. I never saw the point in dating anyone unless I liked them and they liked me back. Dating for the sake of dating and "figuring it out" is stupid to me. Why waste time and money? (not to mention, put your heart on the line where it probably shouldn't be in the first place?) I do see your dilemmas. I imagine a long distance thing wouldn't be good. But, you could always tell them how you felt and see what happens, although therein lies the uncertainty to move forward. I applaud you for not trying to steal someone else's girl. Not only does it make you look like a jerk to the guy, but the girl will hate your guts for putting her in the position to choose. You're being a mighty fine gentleman, and someone will see it. :)
And about hoping things fall into place: they may yet. :) The fun thing about trusting in God is that you don't know what the heck is going on. He's got a plan for you Ben. It may be hard to see, but He's got perfect timing. And I know personally that hearing this kind of "advice" is neither helpful nor is it encouraging, but it's the truth and we'll look back in 10 years and see it. Good luck to you, Ben, whatever it is that you do. :)
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